Do we D.A.R.E?

As a South Asian parent living in a Western country, there inevitably is a time when we come to a crossroad. Often this time is when our child goes to school, develops a social personality, and brings home questions we’re not sure we have the answers to.
What is sex?
Why do people take drugs? Why can’t I wear a skirt like Brittany Spears?
If you are a South Asian parent that has grown up in your home country, sometimes the questions come as a shock. Especially when they arrive prematurely—not from your 16-year-old as expected, but from your innocent 9-year-old who hasn’t yet hit puberty.
Children are growing up fast and parents need to keep up pace.
Gathered from the experiences of mothers who are raising young girls in America, the following are common social challenges, and some ideas for how to approach them.

Challenge: Sleeping Around
“I have a lot of South Asian friends concerned about letting their girls go to sleepovers, especially around ages 10-12 when they’re hitting a growth spurt. Girls are allowed to call any of their friends to their own home, and can also go for a sleepover to a friend’s house who is Indian, but not to a friend’s who is American. Most of the time, the mom gets the question, “Why not?” And it makes it worse if one of her Indian friends is allowed to go to sleepovers, and she isn’t. From a parent’s point of view, I wonder if we are doing right by having these double standards?”

Solution: Avoid Absolutes

(I)
Whatever your reasoning for allowing your daughter to sleepover at a South Asian family home and not an American home, avoid presenting it in that manner. She will not see it from your perspective because she is operating in a school and societal environment that embraces diversity and rejects generalizations and judgments.
Instead, get to the root of the reason, and make it apply to all families. Rather than saying you mistrust American family environments, it’s a better idea to say, “We want to make sure you are in a safe environment, and we want to get to know your friends’ parents before letting you sleepover at their house.”
Then, stick to your word. Take the time to get to know her non-South Asian friends’ parents, and if nothing else, show her you are making an effort. With time, you may find that you have reached a comfort level with the family you didn’t expect.

(II)
Cross your own comfort level. Maybe you haven’t developed the same friendship with your daughter’s American friend’s mom as you have to her Indian friend’s mom. Try. Initiate conversation, invite her over to your home—or better yet, go to her’s and spend time there. If you get yourself acquainted with the child’s family and her home, you will have less anxiety about sending your daughter over for a sleepover.

Challenge: Brand Mad
“Clothing is another issue. At the age of 10, 11 girls get into this brand name stuff. They want clothes from Abercrombie, American Eagle, etc. It does not matter if it fits them, or it’s too little or too big. Does not matter how it looks. Some girl or a friend has a t-shirt from some store so ‘I have to have that’.”

Solution: Controlled Choice

(I)
“The best thing I have learned is to give my daughter her choice in clothing. I always take her with me and let her pick whatever she likes, and then I add what I like. Then we have her try all of them on, and 8 out of 10 times the result is what both mom and daughter agree on. I think this has helped me with the pressure of branded stuff and crazy clothing. I feel like it also teaches her how to dress up and not fall into peer pressure.”

(II)
Help your daughter develop a sense of personal style. Make shopping and picking clothes something fun, not a battle between mother and daughter.
To illustrate your point, show your daughter pictures of different celebrities and explain that they do not all look and dress the same. Show her that the beauty of it is each person can create a combination of clothes and make it work for themselves, rather than follow a trend.
Talk to her about what she wants to convey with the clothes she wears, what she feels comfortable in, and what she thinks makes her look and feel good. Don’t try and downplay the importance of fashion as your child is already exposed to a media culture in which style is central to personality. Instead, make it something you can do together with your daughter to incorporate her personality into the clothes she wears.
In this way, you are giving importance to the meaning behind fashion, rather than just wearing clothes to prove a point or to impress others.

http://www.southasianparent.com/parenting-101/do-we-d-a-r-e/